Thursday, August 17, 2006

Agoraphobic Nosebleed / PCP Torpedo / AnbRX / Rating: 6.0

There are too many dumb lines in this PFM review to pick just one to quote as a hyperlink.

PFM says: “Like most revolutionary forces, Agoraphobic Nosebleed didn't last long.”

Okay so Agoraphobic Nosebleed’s impact on the reviewer’s life is what I can only assume was short lived here as A) this band has been together ever since 1994 and B) fans of extreme music still love the crap out of this band.

PFM says: “Once crowned kings of the ultra-fast sweepstakes, their grindcore made their competition extinct by breaking the genre's essential rule: They canned their drummer and turned over the bpm to a drum machine. The Locust, Charles Bronson, even Discordance Axis-- helmed by the fastest living drummer, Dave Witte-- couldn't keep up.”

Dave Witte is to blast-beat as Kevin Shields is to new-gaze; at least in this day and age of predictable music journalism. Anyhow, I didn’t really get this quote so I called up the drum master himself (Mr. Witte) to help walk me through this paragraph. We used to play in a band together years ago so really- it isn't a big deal to call the dude and ask.

Dave was never actually in A.N. It was talked about, the press ran with the rumor but it NEVER happened. Our best guess is this PFM line is a failed joke. Dave did however confirm a drum machine does indeed play faster than him but it’s okay because blast was so 1993…at least Pitchfork got that right...hehehehe. (and a new Municipal Waste record is being worked on as I type this. Fuck yeah and thanks Dave!)

PFM says: “Brainchild of Pig Destroyer's Scott Hull and the former Isis programmer J. Randall, Agoraphobic Nosebleed aren't hacks or comedians but dudes who know basic secrets like "if it's fast, it might rip," and "if we can write 17 three-second parts anytime we want, then why not put them all in the same song?"”

I love it when a writer assumes they know what a band is thinking when they write music.

PFM says: “If there is a joke here, it's how laughable the idea is of reissuing a suite of songs that are about half the total length any given song on Southern Lord.”

What the hell? Since when did Southern Lord become the metal ideal or the control in the 666 experiment? There are so many fucking metal labels out there that it is a genuine pity that Pitchfork only seems to recognize one of them. I know PFM has a hard on for all that is Southern Lord but come on. If Pitchfork is going to pretend to be a tastemaker on all levels, why be so behind the curve with metal? It’s shameful really.

PFM says: “Cue then the dubious decision by Hydra Head to include a second disc-- the drug-punning ANBRX-- of remixes of Agoraphobic originals by industrial noise types. Why bother? Agoraphobic's formal innovation, as far as they had one, was just that: mating industrial noise and pseudo-breaks played off a drum-machine with a not-so-dissimilar grind that was already getting both noisier and more techno. In effect, they were already remixing their metal tracks, just in first draft form. Why put amphetamine rock on amphetamines?”

Are you kidding me? Who does this writer think he is? A remix is just what the word implies and it applies to this genre as rightfully as any other. I don’t know what metal rule book PFM writer Zach Baron owns but it apparently is a closed book.

I would say the average of most of the reviews I read on line, including my own, works out to about a B grade. In number terms I guess that would equal a 7 but this isn’t my favorite brand of metal so while I can talk the talk and walk the walk, I am not wholly qualified to judge this kind of record.

At least I am willing to admit defeat rather than fake a review. Do yourself a favor and read these Agoraphobic Nosebleed reviews instead.